BDSM F-A-Qs
Various BDSM questions and answers
compiled by Mistress Dragonfly
Before I get into the FAQ’s I just want to do a little caveat on labelling. Albert Ellis, a cognitive-behavioural psychologist, once said something very profound about labelling. It went something like this...
“Be careful of labelling. Whenever we put a label on someone we always have to ask the questions: To what extent does this label help me understand the individual? And… to what extent does this label cloud my understanding of this individual?”
What does BDSM stand for?
What’s the difference between Top/Bottom, Dominant/Submissive, and Master-Mistress/Slave?
What is RACK?
What is SSC?
How do I know if I am a Top, Bottom or Switch?
What is a painslut?
What’s a service submissive?
In a BDSM context what is a Sadist and Masochist?
Define TG, TS, TV and CD?
What is topspace?
What is subspace?
What’s a safeword?
What’s aftercare?
Why is BDSM not abuse?
How can I spot a bad dominant or submissive?
Who’s ultimately in control?
Why are references important?
What is a safe call?
Should I play on a first date?
Do I negotiate every scene before playing?
Is causal play without sex feasible?
What is polyamory?
What is First Dom Syndrome?
What is a mentor in a BDSM context, how is it different than a Teacher or Master?
What is topping from the bottom? Is it a bad thing?
What is figging?
What is sounding?
What is a violet wand and a tens unit, what’s the difference?
Define CBT
Define OTK
What is 24/7 and is it feasible?
What is edge play?
Define “vanilla”.
What is queening?
Define “Power Exchange”.
What’s a parachute?
What is milking?
What is leather butt?
What is a glass ass?
What is a humbler?
What is a wooden pony?
What is humiliation in a BDSM context?
What’s a boi?
What is a gurl?
What is a hard limit?
What is a soft limit?
What is objectification?
What does BDSM stand for?
BDSM originally stood for Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism and was used to described the activities enjoyed by the gay leather community who were the creators of BDSM the alternative sexuality. D/s, (dominance and submission), was not originally part of the BDSM acronym, and it was only after the advent of the internet that some people began to call it Bondage/ Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sado-Masochism.
I believe this was done in an attempt to make it more “normal” by those who, while titillated by this kink, still could not reconcile their deviance within and attempted to fit the kink into vanilla society, really a form of self rejection if you think about it. In other words instead of accepting their deviance they tried to make it not deviant. I prefer the original definition for many reasons. First of all d/s is in every aspect of our lives, it is in fact in every aspect of anything living on this earth. D/s by definition is a symbiotic relationship, you cannot have one without the other, rather like, no shadows without light, no joy without sorrow, there must be both to reflect off of the other. Even the bugs in the trees have a d/s relationship with the tree. I have one with my bank teller when I withdraw money, and no I am not the dominant in that interaction.
We have d/s relationships with every human we encounter, and circumstances and personality determine who takes which role. D/s is a given in BDSM as it is in life in general and in my view d/s is not deviance or kink or even BDSM without the activities involved that the BDSM acronym means, and to emphasize d/s seems to me to be an attempt to “normalize” our kink, and make it less than it is. Basically we are deviants and we should be proud of that, not attempt to fit it into “normal” society so they will accept us. We are a sub-culture let’s accept and be proud of that. Therefore BDSM to me means Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism alone, the d/s is a given, as it is in all of life.
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What’s the difference between Top/Bottom, Dominant/Submissive, and Master-Mistress/Slave?
This is a generalization of my personal view, which is that each individual interaction is subjective to individual personality and relative to each relationship. Some people overlap into more than one “label” so to speak and that’s ok if it works for them that’s just great!
What is RACK?
Risk Aware Consensual Kink or RACK is a recently defined code of conduct in the BDSM community created to replace SSC. It means that a BDSM activity is ethically acceptable as long as everyone involved is of the age of consent, is aware of the risks involved and freely chooses to participate in that activity. The premise behind it is that some BDSM activities may involve risk of injury and may be considered not sane by others (individual perception of what is safe and sane can vary), but as long as the individuals are fully informed of the risks involved and consents from an informed consent position it is okay.
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What is SSC?
Safe, Sane & Consensual or SSC is the original defined code of conduct for BDSM. Basically it means that any activity between adults is acceptable as long as it is safe sane and consensual. It was long held as the test to see if a BDSM activity was ethical. However there is a real flaw in the term SSC as what is safe and sane is subjective to the individual. We do indeed consent to participate in activities that are not safe at all, like edge play, and even individuals outside of the BDSM community do participate in unsafe activities, extreme sports for example, despite the obvious risks involved. RACK was created because of this flaw and has replaced SSC in some BDSM communities as a code of conduct.
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How do I know if I am a Top, Bottom or Switch?
HAH! The eternal question “What and who am I?” Many people begin in the BDSM community in one chosen role and then later find that they are more suited to another, or become a switch because they are greedy *G* and like it all. I myself began in BDSM as a submissive and went to slave but eventually I realized I wasn’t submissive at all and actually submitting my will to another actually made me miserable, making me feel like my sense of self was being erased in the process of slavery. I was confused because I enjoyed pain so much and thought that made me a submissive. However I have a very assertive and dominant personality and always have and once I began to dominate others I realized that I was a dominant. But like all in this kink, I was a unique individual who also had the ability to turn pain into pleasure.
These days I occasionally bottom for that oh so addictive endorphin rush, and to keep me grounded as to how a submissive feels, or to teach, topping from the bottom is a great way to teach. I believe the best way to find out what you are, is to explore everything and see what fits you, the individual. Your sexual fantasies are a good indicator. Do you dream of giving up control or do you long to control? Does it make you wet or hard to imagine one or the other? Which does - will steer you, if you find both arousing then you may be a switch.
The main thing to remember is do not box yourself into a label, you are not going to be exactly like others in your role and shouldn’t be. I am of the belief that you take what gives you pleasure and define yourself by that not by what others say you should be. There is no set way to be in any role in BDSM, and sometimes what role you are can change depending on the person you are interacting with.
For instance I like to bottom occasionally but it has to be someone who has as strong, if not stronger, personality and will than I have. When I meet someone like that I do indeed long to bottom to them, because for me I want the pleasure of the pain they can give me. Then I meet others who claim dominance but in minutes I am obviously mentally dominating them...it’s totally subjective to the individuals that I interact with. What role you are has to suit both you and the other you are interacting with and therefore must be fluid, open to change and growth like any relationship.
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What is a painslut?
Painslut is a colloquial term for those in the scene that enjoy the physical sensation of pain in a sexual manner. They have learned to let the endorphins flood their bodies and fine-tune it with physical arousal to turn pain into pleasure sexually. Therefore, when they play they like to involve large amounts of pain, usually specific in scenes. Unlike a submissive, who tends to accept pain because it pleases their dominant (and it arouses them to please), who the dominant may be is often not as important for a painslut, and they can often play with a person casually strictly for pain play. Painsluts do not like all forms of pain in all situations and the context is important. So no, they do not get off on banging their thumbs with a hammer.
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What’s a service submissive?
A service submissive is a person who enjoys serving their dominant in practical ways, like cooking, cleaning, running errands, bathing and grooming the dominant etc. For some of those involved in service submission, sexual submission may not be part of the equation at all, and sexual submission may not even be desired. Service submisssive’s often see everyday acts as power symbols of their submission. Kneeling and presenting a drink to their dominant becomes a cherished token of their service.
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In a BDSM context what is a Sadist and Masochist?
Hmm tricky, there are actually three widely used definitions of sadist and masochist.
1. The pop definition, propagated by the media and widely used by vanilla’s who are not educated.
2. the pathology as defined psychology.
3. then there is the BDSM definition.
I am going to explain all three from my viewpoint so they can be understood in contrast to each other.
Define TG, TS, TV and CD?
TG or transgender is an umbrella term under which TS, TV and CD fall under. TS means transsexual and refers to those who wish to change their gender and are usually in the process of doing so (pre-op) or have already done so (post-op). TV means transvestite and is the Latin word for changing gender through clothing - a male dressing as a female or a female dressing as a male. TV’s tend to be those who wish to pass as the opposite gender. Some TV’s prefer to be called TG or T-girl. CD, cross-dresser, is a new term and basically means the same as TV’s, however CD’s tend to be hetero sexual males who enjoy the humiliation aspects of cross dressing and do not care if they pass or not. TV’s or T-Girl’s come from all sexual orientations. T-Girls sometimes call themselves gurl.
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What is topspace?
Topspace or domspace is described by those who feel it as a kind of zone that you enter when you have a real connection with your sub or bottom and there is almost a psychic connection about what the submissive needs for maximum pleasure. The scene flows, you almost lose awareness of what is going on around you. Totally focused on your submissive, you just flow and automatically click into your scene and with your partner. For me it’s almost like a higher plane of awareness, like I can feel what my submissive is feeling and know what they need without any conscious thought.
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What is subspace?
Subspace is a kind of state of mind one enters after intense activity or intense pain. People refer to it as a kind of bliss, a feeling of everything being right and good, a sense of peaceful euphoria, or a sort of high, like intoxication, an out of body experience, or a sensation of pain as sexual pleasure. I believe it is related to the natural chemical release of both endorphins and adrenalin into the body. Both chemicals are experienced as “subspace” but seemed to have a different catalysts that release them. Adrenalin seems to be released by emotional sensation, while endorphins are released via physical sensation.
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What’s a safeword?
A safeword is a word used to halt play. It is basically a code word that is usually discussed and decided on before a scene. For example Dragonfly’s Den safewords are: red, yellow and green. When I am playing with a new person I will often stop and ask them what their colour is, if they say green it means they are good to go. If the say red it means stop I can’t take this it’s too much. If they say yellow that means they are ok but at the limit of what they can take so caution is necessary. The reason we use safewords is that a lot of us like the fantasy of pleading for mercy or crying out no in resistance and having that ignored and being overpowered, because that is the turn on the loss of control, the vulnerability of being overpowered... But we still need a way to let our partners know that what is happening sometimes isn’t part of the fantasy and that you really do need it to stop. That’s what a safeword is for - a way to let your partner know that what they are doing is not a good thing for you.
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What’s aftercare?
Aftercare is a term used to describe the time period after a scene when the submissive is cared for by the dominant. If a scene is psychologically intense and/or physically challenging submissives often need a safe space to return to earth, recoup and unwind. Aftercare can take many forms and is usually structured around the individual submissive and what they need as aftercare.
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Why is BDSM not abuse?
This is a difficult question to answer... the line between abuse and BDSM can waver and vary between individual people, circumstance’s, and activities so much that it is difficult to pinpoint a specific thing. One main thing that separates BDSM from abuse is consent. Consent means affirmative permission, assent or approval. Consent in BDSM means that a person gives affirmative assent, with prior understanding of the conditions, risks and potential consequences of that assent, to participate in a particular activity without coercion or distress. An activity that may, at first, appear very similar to abusive activities.
Consent is founded on the willing and joyful participation of everyone involved in that particular activity. BDSM is about persons with a deviant sexuality sharing that with others of like sexuality. It is about equal people who have a relationship where they take opposite roles. The dominant is not superior to the submissive, the submissive is not less than the dominant. They are simply different and need the other to fulfill themselves in their deviant sexual needs.
BDSM is not abuse because all the people involved know exactly what they are doing, want to be there and have given their informed consent to those activities they chose to participate in. A person’s consent is only valid and meaningful if it is informed, that all involved have full knowledge of the activities that will happen, there was no threat, force or intimidation used to get consent, and that the individuals were of sound mind. “Sound mind” indicates judgement that is not impaired, whether by disease or drugs or another condition, which may affect one’s ability to make rational decisions.
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How can I spot a bad dominant or submissive?
I can only tell you what I do to test that the person I may get intimate with is a decent human being. For some reason we in this BDSM sexuality get this subliminal idea in our heads that everyone in the BDSM sub culture MUST be a decent person! Well my fellow freaky folks let me make this forcefully clear... BDSM has assholes too! Taking on a role in a sexually alternative community does not automatically mean you are a good person, you still have to be someone who follows the guidelines and principles and tenets of this kink AND general society and that is what you need to look for.
To be a nice submissive or dominant means you must also be a nice person, outside the role, in general, as a human being in today’s unique and varied world society. Does this person walk the walk as well as talk the talk? Can they back up their claims with references and evidence? Most of all what are their motivations and goals for themselves, you and the relationship? People with “issues” and low self esteem are highly drawn to BDSM because of it’s d/s components (which remember I consider vanilla) that they mistakenly see as a way to raise themselves above another as a dominant or affirm their negative feelings of worthlessness as a submissive.
So check those motivations and goals, do they see this as a way to have a loving intimate relationship of mutual pleasure or do they see this as a way to better themselves via another? Do they see this as self affirmation that they are worthless or as fulfilling their sexual desire? Do they want to have fun or is nothing ever good enough? Seeing these motivations and goals is often not easy, but simple observation can often tell you a lot about a person. Watch how they talk about others, are they always running others down as a way to raise themselves? Do they run themselves down? You look for the same things as a vanilla relationship really, but motivation is truly the key.
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Who’s ultimately in control?
The eternal BDSM question rather like the endless debate of nature vs. nurture. *chuckles* I believe the submissive is ultimately in control. A dominant’s pleasure should feed off the subs. Yes there is a power rush in controlling another, but there is no power rush without the control. There is no control without the sub and the sub’s limits and boundaries dictate exactly how much control the dominant can feed the power rush. I believe as a dominant I am actually in a service position. I do NOT take pleasure from someone who is not enjoying what I am doing to them. Therefore, I need to know what gives them pleasure in order to receive my pleasure, that means their pleasure dictates mine and they are ultimately in control.
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Why are references important?
References are a way to check if another is safe to play with. A reference means someone ethical and reputable considers this person safe to get involved with in the risky sexuality called BDSM.
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What is a safe call?
A safe call is something you set up ahead of time with a friend or trusted person in the BDSM community when you are going to meet another or play with another for the first time. It is simply a way to insure you are safe when with an unknown for the first time. Usually it is set up that the person will call you in the middle of your date or session, sometimes people set up code words that if said means your in trouble to get help. The same holds true if you do not answer. The safe call person calling should have all the info about your date for just such an emergency.
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Should I play on a first date?
I strongly believe people should not play on a first date, but it is of course up to the individual. I feel this way because meaningful trust, respect and intimacy, three of the four foundations BDSM is built on, (consent being the fourth), take time to build within a relationship. Truly spectacular sessions and relationships cannot happen until they are established. You do not necessarily have to be in love with the person you interact with in a BDSM manner, but you do need to have trust, respect and intimacy, not only to reach that incredible soul space we find when two people click in a BDSM manner but also to insure your safety in what we do. As we all know physical chemistry does not mean that trust, respect and intimacy will naturally follow, so take your time and make sure it is there. In my opinion it’s worth waiting for! Yep I have been in lust with assholes too!
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Do I negotiate every scene before playing?
YES! Here is the reasoning behind my emphatic reply...Even if the person you play with is your deep soul mate lover of many years that truly knows your body and your dark desires, there are always other factors that can interfere with your session. Factors like, for example, your mother is sick, the boss is driving you nuts at work, for females it can be that time of the month and the hormone upset can totally change your usual levels of pain tolerance and your mood. Our bodies and moods can fluctuate so much it is always a good idea to negotiate a scene and have a safeword every time you play! Now having said that let me qualify, I don’t think you need to negotiate every time your dominant wants to slap your ass, pinch your nipple or grab your hair *yummy*. I mean negotiate when it is a planned risky BDSM scene.
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Is causal play without sex feasible?
The answer here completely depends on the individual involved. Some people’s BDSM is intricately caught up in their sexuality in such a way that they cannot fathom playing with another they would not have sex with. Others are able to enjoy BDSM play sexually without intercourse. Others say they do not need it to be sexual at all. For example a person who sexualizes pain and can orgasm from pain does not need sex, the pain play is enough. It is an individual preference that each must explore and find out for themselves. Some people can have sex without love and others cannot. Casual play without sex in BDSM is very much like that and depends on those interacting.
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What is polyamory?
Polyamory or poly is the acceptance, desire and practice of having more than one intimate loving relationship at a time, where all parties have full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory differs from monogamy in that there is respect for another’s wish to have further meaningful relationships and that that wish is accommodated alongside the existing relationship. Polyamory is a relational choice and philosophy, rather than an individual status at a given moment. It is fluid in its description, because there are many different shades of meaning which are covered under its umbrella.
Poly relationships are varied and reflect the choices and philosophies of those concerned. Polyamory is different than polygamy in that it is a personal outlook not a pre-defined bonding system, and is grounded in concepts such as consent, trust, equality and freewill. It is often based on compersion rather than in cultural or religious tradition. Compersion is a term in polyamory that describes the experience of taking pleasure when one’s partner is with another person. It is considered to mean the opposite of jealousy and is a form of empathy in that a loving partner is experiencing a good thing in their life.
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What is First Dom Syndrome?
First Dom syndrome is a term used to describe what often happens when a submissive first experiences subspace and confuses the love of what is being done to them with who is doing it. They tend to become deeply attached to the dominant that first shows them what heights this kink is capable of. I also feel there is a First Sub Syndrome too. Basically from either role it is an overly obsessive attachment and need for the other and what they do for the person. It does not necessarily have to be the first dominant or submissive, it tends to be the first one who takes them to the subspace or topspace we all seek.
It is rather like an obsessive crush for the first person you had sexual relations with. Everyone can experience first dom or sub syndrome and if handled right is merely a kink in the path for those experiencing it. It only becomes negative when the person becomes obsessed or allows it to harm or interfere in their everyday life. Under certain circumstances it can become the catalyst to an abusive relationship depending on the individuals involved.
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What is a mentor in a BDSM context, how is it different than a Teacher or Master?
I have some very strong opinions about mentorship, but please remember that just because I say it strongly and stand by it firmly, that does not mean I judge your differing opinion or think you are less and I am better because you differ.
I do not believe mentorship is about advice for the one being mentored as much as it is about feedback to present other points of view. A mentor, in my opinion, should be a person to reflect off of, not someone to take orders from. Take note of this next bit and I quote for emphasis;
“A mentor should NOT be someone you play with!!”
Mentorship should be more about human growth rather than role in BDSM. A mentor in my mind is more of an equal with practical knowledge than about an authority figure. It is in essence, a unique friendship, and while you should negotiate and set limits, it does not have to be done any more formally than friendship negotiation happens. Yes, we negotiate friendship, any relationship really, we just don’t often do it in a conscious manner like a session or a BDSM d/s relationship. Yet, it is still done eventually through trial and error and tests if you think about it.
Sometimes I think we need to look at our budding BDSM relationships a little less formally than we do and accept that they take time and that you cannot negotiate everything at once in the beginning. We need to recognize we cannot KNOW the person you are interacting with through pre-negotiation, truly it is still going to be a crap shoot in a BDSM context or otherwise. OOOps I digress sorry...
A mentor should be someone you call up and say... “Hey there, listen I saw this or heard this or thought this the other day and I wanted to get your opinion on it...” keeping in mind it may not be the answer you seek either and that is ok, that the mentor’s opinion does not have to be yours too. It is ok to disagree with your mentor. That’s the point - it’s feedback, communication and discussion for better growth and human understanding.
A mentor is someone who agrees to take the time and thought to reflect WITH the mentee on what their thoughts and feelings are, without judgement of differences and with acceptance of such. It is not about telling the mentee what they should or shouldn’t be doing, but sharing what the mentor would do in a similar situation, how the mentor views things and how the mentor feels about it. The mentee may or may not feel, think and act the same and that is ok.
A submissive does not submit to every dominant in the community, nor does a dominant dominate every submissive, or shouldn’t, unless it is a negotiated and committed relationship. You are ALWAYS on equal footing with any member of the BDSM community other than those you have specifically consented to submit to or dominate. A teacher will teach you, a master will master you, but a mentor should share with you their knowledge and views from an equal perspective. What role they take in their BDSM sexuality does not really matter. Ability to connect and communicate interpersonally does.
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What is topping from the bottom? Is it a bad thing?
Topping form the bottom is basically a submissive controlling what happens, usually through manipulation. However, I have seen far more healthy, happy BDSM relationships where topping from the bottom happened than I have in high protocol d/s BDSM relationships. And because I believe a submissive ultimately is in control I think this is not necessarily a bad thing. We all have to work out our own unique BDSM relationship, no two will be exactly alike and if it works for them do we truly need to care if it is topping from the bottom?
Topping form the bottom can also be an excellent way to teach a dominant how to become skilled in activities and reading the submissive s/he plays with as well. I know many really honourable and skilled dominants that will proudly tell you they learned from a bottom who taught them well.
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What is figging?
Yummy, figging is one of my favourite sensation activities to do. Figging is a term used to describe the practise of placing a carved piece of ginger root into the anus, vagina or urethral tract. The result is a burning itching sensation which a lot of people claim can intensify orgasm. It is considered safer than say other chemical sensation enhancer’s since it is a natural product. The length of sensation varies but it usually lasts for about 20 minutes while inserted, eventually the burn and itch dissipates and if removed is gone in ten to fifteen minutes.
Figging is said to have been used in the Victorian era as an addition to corporal punishment, specifically caning. A piece of ginger inserted before a caning keeps the one being caned from clenching their buttocks. To research *evil grin* peel and carve a large piece of ginger into a phallic shape for the anus, make sure there is a depression at the base (make it butt plug shaped people), to prevent umm its loss in the depths of depravity and then insert and try to clench... oh, please do, you don’t know how the thought of readers experimenting excites me.
You can also increase the sensation of ginger by keeping it in the fridge or even better grind it up and freeze it in a phallic shape before using. For urethral openings you must carve a long sliver and make sure you have a good grip on it, again not a good thing when it gets lost inside.
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What is sounding?
A sound is a thin solid stainless steel metal rod deigned to be inserted in the urethra, usually as part of medical play. Sounding can be done on both men and women but must be performed by a person that has learned how to do it properly. Like a lot of BDSM activities there are inherent risks involved. The risk of infection in sounding and catheterization is high and precautions must be used strictly. Sterilization of the sounds between uses is very important. You also must be knowledgeable in the urethra anatomy and aware that the bladder is easily pierced, you cannot just shove the sound in you must feed and guide it carefully and again you should not attempt this unless taught how to by a person experienced in sounding.
A male submissive often describes sounding as a feeling of having their penis fucked and as a prostate massage from the inside of their penis instead of through the anus. A female sounding is felt as that intense sensation before a G-Spot orgasm where the woman mistakenly feels they have to urinate just before the orgasm. Once you relax and accept the foreign sensation it is really quite erotic for woman.
Women are smaller than men in urethra openings and it is a bit more difficult to sound a female due to insertion horizontally as opposed to vertically with a male. Also be aware that female sounds can be used on males but male sounds cannot be used on females comfortably. There are kits which are meant for both.
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What is a violet wand and a tens unit, what’s the difference?
A violet wand and a tens unit are both electrical play instruments in BDSM, but differ in points of contact and execution.
The tens (transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) unit is a machine often used by physical therapists to stimulate deeply muscles, nerves and tendons and/or reduce pain. The tens unit delivers controlled pulses of electricity through pads attached to the skin and can be used medically to block pain impulses through the nerves. They can have two or more points of contact and as such should be used with caution in a BDSM context due to cross current and the possibility of inducing heart arrythmia and heart attack. It can have a sensation ranging from a mild tingle to a very strong “pull, jerk or punch” sensation depending on the setting. It can also cause involuntary muscle contractions. There are tens units used in BDSM which include electrodes designed to be inserted in the anus, vagina or urethra. Some people find that the contractions caused by a tens probe induces intense long-lasting orgasms.
The violet wand is a machine which has a handle that contains a coil called a Tesla coil, and several interchangeable electrodes, usually made of glass and filled with a gas that glows a brilliant purple when turned on. It makes an odd buzzing noise too which sounds so evil *G*. This is the most common and safest form of electrical play in BDSM due to its one point of contact which delivers static or surface electricity. It feels a lot like continuous static shocks like what you feel when touching a doorknob only less intense, well depending on how high you turn it up. *slow sadist`s smile*
The violet wand is one of my favourite things to play with and feels nothing like you would expect. Often people who want nothing to do with electricity have watched me shock myself then consented to a test at a low setting on the back of their hand and once felt become enthusiastic violet wands aficionados. The violet wand is the safest form of electrical play but there is still a risk when dealing with heart problems so always make sure you are aware of your partners health status.
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Define CBT.
Cock and Ball Torture, CBT is an acronym used to describe the different practises involving pain play specifically aimed at the penis and testicles, this can include: binding, clamping, clothes pegs, weights, stretching, needle play or saline injection to name a few.
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Define OTK.
OTK means Over The Knee and refers to spanking or playing in that position.
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What is 24/7 and is it feasible?
24/7 means 24 hours a day 7 days a week and in a BDSM context refers to the practise of being in a TPE (total power exchange) Master-Mistress/Slave relationship. There are many who would disagree with me but I do not think 24/7 is either feasible or possible in today’s modern world. Unless you are a submissive with no family, no job, no children, are independently wealthy and never want to have any friends but kink ones, living 24/7 means you are going to have to interact with the vanilla world and make decisions without consulting your dominant at some point.
I also believe 24/7 erroneously represents BDSM in an unrealistic manner. It encourages people to fall into fantasy instead of living in reality, and causes unreal expectations of what TPE is. No one can be 24/7 except the above and I don’t really believe it is healthy to be 24/7 myself.
One of the main problems I see is those calling themselves 24/7 are actually not 24/7, they are only 24 when they are with their dominant. Most of the successful TPE’s I see are actually part time not 24/7 at all. Another problem is that because people call themselves 24/7 who really are not, others who do not truly understand what it means hold that up as the ideal standard they wish to achieve. When it becomes clear they cannot be 24/7 they fall into the self-defeating trap of not being a good enough submissive or dominant for that unrealistic expectation. So remember when you hear someone claim 24/7 it probably is not.
Likely what they mean is they do a TPE when they are with each other, or they are as 24/7 as is feasible in their relationship. 24/7 in my opinion is an absolute that cannot possibly be achieved. It’s like trying to achieve perfection and is simply not feasible.
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What is edge play?
Edge play describes any BDSM activity which involves significant risk of injury or harm, or is any activity that challenges limits or boundaries, expecially hard ones. The edge play can vary between the individual, one person would consider needle play to be edge play for them, while another would not. Some people confuse edge play with knife play for obvious reasons, but edge play actually refers to walking the edge of danger so to speak.
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Define “vanilla”.
Vanilla refers to any person not interested in or involved with BDSM activities. It is sometimes used erroneously in a condescending or insulting manner to imply something or someone is judgemental, boring or uninteresting.
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What is queening?
Queening is a term to describe when a female dominant (the queen) sits on the face of a submissive, usually restrained. In essence - forcing the submissive. Used for oral sex or breath control.
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Define “Power Exchange”.
Power exchange describes when two or more people voluntarily and with informed consent agree to a power relationship where one or more people within the interaction submit’s to the other’s authority. It is the conscious deliberate creation of the power dynamic where at least one person assumes control, psychological or physical over another. It can be for an agreed upon time period or indeterminate. When it is indeterminate it is referred to as a TPE or Total Power Exchange.
In a BDSM context it is founded on consent, trust, respect and intimacy. Power Exchange is not exclusive to BDSM, it can be seen in all interactions, the difference being the consent. It can be seen as fully consented to for instance as boss/employee, therapist/client or a personal fitness trainer/client exchange. All of these relationships also require, respect, trust, intimacy and consent. What distinguishes them from BDSM is the context of sexuality and activities within them.
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What’s a parachute?
A parachute is an implement for use in CBT. It is a leather cone with a hole it the center and attached chains to add weights too. It is bound around the scrotum and the weights then suspended from it stretching the scrotum and squeezing the testicles.
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What is milking?
There are three terms used to describe milking. One describes stimulating the male prostate or perineum, with a finger or implement, in such a way as to produce ejaculation without orgasm. Another form of milking is to induce orgasm over and over, by sexually stimulation, until he/she is no longer able to ejaculate. The third way to describe milking is to stimulate the prostate by an electrode or similar probe inserted into the anus and then connected to an electrical device. The electrode causes involuntary contraction of the muscles around the prostate causing ejaculation without arousal or orgasm.
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What is leather butt?
Leather butt is a term used to describe the condition where prolonged and repeated paddling or striking of the bottom leaves deep bruising which, over time, makes the ass less sensitive. If it is done repeatedly over a period of time without a break it has been rumoured to be permanent, even after a break period where no impact occurs. However, I myself have never met anyone who had permanent leather butt and a break from striking that area usually brings back the sensitivity.
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What is a glass ass?
*chuckles* A glass ass refers to people who cannot take a spanking and act like a scalded cat when given the mildest spank... I personally enjoy the squeals and shrieks of those with glass asses. *sadist’s grin* It is often a person who has not played in the spanking area for a while who has one. For example I recently allowed people to spank me for my birthday, when I was a sub I could take quite a lot but that night after years of not much spanking, I definitely had a glass ass!
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What is a humbler?
A humbler is an implement that fits around the testicles that then pulls the testicles back between the legs of the wearer, and holds them there painfully. It can be two pieces of wood that clamp down on the testicles and fit behind the backs of the thighs, or it can be a metal ring attached to two wings that fit behind the thighs or any variation thereof. A male submissive wearing a humbler cannot stand straight or come off their knees without placing unbearable pressure on the testicles. The humbler forces the submissive to walk bent over or on all fours.
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What is a wooden pony?
It is a wooden plank or two pieces of wood set in a V-shape supported so that the edges are uppermost. A female submissive is then placed straddling it and bound in place. Sometimes it is with full weight bearing down on the groin. Sometimes it is more insidious and the sub’s weight is supported as long as she is on tiptoes, eventually her legs will grow tired and there will be no choice but to lower herself onto the edge of the pony causing pain. The longer a submissive is on the pony the more painful it becomes.
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What is humiliation in a BDSM context?
Humiliation play is a form of sexual arousal from humiliation, shame or embarrassment. Humiliation play is tricky because it is often difficult to discern whether the person seeking humiliation is doing so because it arouses them or because they find negative self-affirmation in it. It is very difficult to explain it to someone who doesn’t understand it. While humiliation play doesn’t cause injury in a physical manner it can be psychologically harmful. It should be considered a form of edge play with the risks of possible psychological harm weighed carefully.
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What’s a boi?
There are two terms to describe boi... the first is a person usually female, often butch or boyish in dress, appearance and manner who is submissive. The second is an effeminate man.
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What is a gurl?
A term used by the TG community to describe a T-Girl to distinguish them from a genetic girl.
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What is a hard limit?
A term used to describe a personal limit that is inflexible and usually non-negotiable. Often a hard limit is connected to a phobia or past trauma and should be respected completely.
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What is a soft limit?
A limit is a personal limit that may be flexible, may change over time or when trust is firmly established. One of the great things about BDSM is it is a way to test a soft limit, to challenge oneself against your own boundaries in a controlled and safe manner with a trusted partner.
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What is objectification?
A term to describe sexual arousal from de-humanization, arousing to both the dominant and submissive equally. Objectification can take many forms, being an animal, a chair, a table, a sexual toy. Humiliation play can be a factor as well. The turn on is to be “reduced” to an object, yet still know and trust that you are cherished and protected within that objectification, that it is done for mutual pleasure, not to cause harm.
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